Writing Workshop #1 - Short Story
The following is a brief excerpt from Justine Haemmerli's short story, "Expulsion!"
You can post your feedback as a comment. A good way to get yourself started on feedback is to name one thing you liked and thought worked really well in the story and one thing you thought didn't work so well. (Note: Of course, you don't have to focus on this excerpt.)
Markus, with a K, doesn't get it. Today he walked up to me. No, he loped towards me, gangly and excited, and put his hands on my shoulders.
"Hey Rufus! How's it going?"
I stared at the wayward stubble over his lip, and the dark downy hair on the underside of his chin, where he thought no one would notice if he didn't shave. How's it going? Violently! It's torture! Why am I here! Why haven't I slayed you yet! I didn't say any of this; it wouldn't have made sense. Anything I want to say now is totally out of context for everyone else. The story's gone far along enough in my head that it would take years for anyone to catch up. I gave a little smile and shrugged.
I asked him why he was loping around, floating aimlessly down the hall like an amoeba. I don't know why I said that; it just came out of nowhere. He grinned wildly, with an appetite.
"Whoa! Man, that was, ouch man, that was harsh. But I liked that, Rufus. I liked that. It sounded written."
I nodded for a long time, and then desperately returned to picking the gum off the windowsill, which I'd been doing before he sauntered towards me. But Markus with a K just wouldn't get the drift.
"Do you write, man?" he asked, leaning on the doorframe.
*If you do not have a copy of this story and would like to offer Justine some constructive feedback, let me know (bridge.ryan@gmail.com), and I can send it to you.
You can post your feedback as a comment. A good way to get yourself started on feedback is to name one thing you liked and thought worked really well in the story and one thing you thought didn't work so well. (Note: Of course, you don't have to focus on this excerpt.)
Markus, with a K, doesn't get it. Today he walked up to me. No, he loped towards me, gangly and excited, and put his hands on my shoulders.
"Hey Rufus! How's it going?"
I stared at the wayward stubble over his lip, and the dark downy hair on the underside of his chin, where he thought no one would notice if he didn't shave. How's it going? Violently! It's torture! Why am I here! Why haven't I slayed you yet! I didn't say any of this; it wouldn't have made sense. Anything I want to say now is totally out of context for everyone else. The story's gone far along enough in my head that it would take years for anyone to catch up. I gave a little smile and shrugged.
I asked him why he was loping around, floating aimlessly down the hall like an amoeba. I don't know why I said that; it just came out of nowhere. He grinned wildly, with an appetite.
"Whoa! Man, that was, ouch man, that was harsh. But I liked that, Rufus. I liked that. It sounded written."
I nodded for a long time, and then desperately returned to picking the gum off the windowsill, which I'd been doing before he sauntered towards me. But Markus with a K just wouldn't get the drift.
"Do you write, man?" he asked, leaning on the doorframe.
*If you do not have a copy of this story and would like to offer Justine some constructive feedback, let me know (bridge.ryan@gmail.com), and I can send it to you.
posted by B. Ryan | 8/03/2006 05:39:00 PM
2 Comments:
Hey Justine,
I really enjoyed reading your story. Your character descriptions were particularly strong - you have a knack for adding the little details that convey a lot, as in the description of Judy's hair: "long straight bangs, like a little ballerina or a Shetland pony." Also how her "breath smelled like Doritos."
I am still trying to figure out how I stand on the beginning paragraphs. While they really grabbed my attention (shit has a way of doing that, I guess), I also found them slightly distracting. They helped establish Rufus's voice, and I understand the whole toilet connection, but I'm still on the fence about them.
hey Justine-
your story was a fun read... i've been on the lookout for bathroom graffiti ever since. i thought your dialogue worked really well, it moved quickly and was a good means of developing your interesting characters. however, i found the exposition in the beginning a bit too long- i got a little lost in it. i'm not sure what i would cut, but i think you could pare it down. also, i applaud your bravery in going first!
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